I turned 42 on January 29.  I had a lovely, peaceful, positive birthday, and then I fell into a rather deep depression.  Not suicidal deep, but no fun, either.  A lovely, wise woman from my Book of Days group, Maryann, said that 42 is a very powerful birthday for a woman, when she tends to pop out of the grid.  Which made me think of the fact that when we undergo a jump in frequency, or a large initiation in our lives, we usually feel crappy for about 3 days, because we are higher and lighter and so we feel all the heavy stuff even more as it is leaving our new level of being.

Plus, I don’t know about you, but my life has been shifting out from under me in huge ways this past week.  I mean BIG things that truly change my life and that of my family in ways that are totally out of our control.  Every day it seems things are shifting, and there is NO stable foundation to stand on.  That was really getting to me.  I was angry and frustrated and going into a fear spin about it all, feeling totally out of control and not knowing one damn thing I could do about it.

So I just decided to get through it.  And last night I hit a low, and my partner and I had a really good, deep talk, then things shifted again this morning and we had another one.  I’d be lost without her, by the way.  Anyway, afterward, I journaled about it.  And I realized…

If things are constantly shifting in huge ways…which they most certainly ARE for us…then they can easily shift just as rapidly in wonderful, miraculous ways, too!  Plus, these shifts that we were seeing as scary and some of them bad are really just different!  We have NO way of knowing what they really mean, only that they are changing our lives in big ways.  Then I started to wonder when it was that I stopped believing that I could have what I wanted (as long as it was aligned with the Highest Good)?  Was it when things were going so peacefully and so well, and then something shook that up?  Well, that’s stupid.  Things are going well so I lose my belief?  I don’t like the cycles of up/down, bad/good, but where there is a down, there will be an up, and in my life in the past few years, the up times have just gotten longer and longer and my life has just gotten better and better…so really, what needs to SHIFT now is my mind!  My attitude…my mindfulness…my thoughts!  When I feel a negative reaction, I need to examine what faulty beliefs are leading me to feel bad.  I need to look at the Truth, in the Now, and remember what I TRULY believe.

The Truth:  My life is totally rearranging itself around me, not like I expected or would choose…and because I am NOT all-knowing or all-seeing, I cannot possibly know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.  And since I believe that after everything I’ve been through, now is MY TIME for things to just get better and better…well, hey, that must mean these are good things even if I can’t see how at this moment!

So I made this page to commemorate and remind myself of this realization so that I won’t forget it again as things continue to shift in this phenomenally-transforming reality we are currently living in.



Filed under Art Journal Pages, Uncategorized

11 responses to “Shift

  1. I really believe that our perspective impacts the shift and pushes it toward one or the other side of the pendulum swing. When we imagine the worst, we look for it, you know? But when we surrender a little, recognize that we *don’t know* and then imagine the *best*, we look for that, and more often than not, that’s what we find.

    This is a fantastic post. Thank you for sharing it. xo

  2. You and your partner will survive – I know because I have. Life isn’t easy and when there are things happening that you cannot control, it is downright scary and dropping into depression is so easy. However, at my age 71, I have experienced so many down moments that now I am sure that there will always be an up time afterward.
    Society at large and Americans in general think that there is safety to be had by buying insurance or living behind big walls so that the bad cannot get us. Reality is lots of things can get us. I learned this lesson big time when my 19 year old daughter got cancer and died within 6 months of the diagnosis. Terrible event and big time depression BUT life does somehow bring more joy than sorrow. Lots more I could list (including that my husbands senility has forced us into bankruptcy now) but moping about solves nothing. I set the clock and allow myself 15 minutes of a pity party. When the alarm sounds, I get my face in the sun (if possible) or just do something else. Scrub something and really put your muscle into it. Shiny pots (or toilets) usually make me feel accomplished and smiley.
    Effy is right look for the good. Love those dear to you and control the little things you can – eventually the bad things will go away. And then the cycle will continue.
    Pull out that beautiful colorful page and know that you are going to have really good things happen. You are worth it dear one. Hang in there.
    Love from your friend the old crone, Maryann
    P.S. Actually inside myself , I am beautiful and 27 years old.

  3. Over the years, I’ve suffered with depression to a major extent. I took major pharmaceuticals in order to help it, but that usually just masked it…numbed it…zombie-fied it. Over the years, I’ve learned that my best remedy is to be busy and out among people as much as I can, even if I initially have to force myself to go out. It’s strange how you can think you simply want to hang out all day in your bathrobe and mope, when being among people gives you pep. I also give myself a break. I used to think I was a wreck and was sort of embarassed at my mind. Now I know there will be times of sadness. Winter for instance. There will be tears sometimes. But those days give way to sunshine, both outside your window and inside your soul. Do make sure you’re doing inventory and that there’s not something in your life that couldn’t easily be extracted. I realized after dating a handful of men who were controlling and demeaning and cruel….that I was so much happier even if I had to be alone. It took me forever to realize that. Now I’m with a man who compliments me, who is my partner, who would never cut away at my essence. That has made a huge difference. So look around and take note of who you’re hanging out with. If they’re downers or putting all their problems on you….make space for your own mental health. Likewise, see out people who emit their own sunshine. It’s catchy.

  4. kay

    I applaud you for your insight and your thoughtful processing of this time. Bless you and may you continue to hold tight and believe.

  5. What a powerful page. We don’t always have control over everything in our lives but we do have control over our selves. It’s hard to remember that when things get crazy, though. You have taken back control in such a positive way. You are an inspiration!

  6. Dawn B.

    Very insightful post. So agree with what you and others have stated, it’s just “making and forcing” yourself into the way of thinking that is the hardest. My life has had MAJOR downs in the last four years, sometimes don’t know how I’m still standing, but I’m here. I’m so trying to really make myself journal to help with my negative self talk.

  7. Satina Scott

    Thank you everyone for your soulful comments on this post! Melisa, you brought tears to my eyes. Dawn, I understand. I went through the worst year of my life in 2009 and have been climbing up out of that hell since then. I hope my post gave you a step up!

  8. I like your journal cover. I am new to SoulJournaling- I know about change- yrs fly too fast. 60 this summer talk about depression. 50 wasn’t that bad. We need to find our mission- I am presently working on that. 3 children grown. I home schooled for 24 yr now I feel lost.

  9. Great post! Thank you so much for sharing!

  10. Satina Scott

    Linda, I’m sorry you feel lost. It sounds like you’ve been living for your kids for so long you forgot what YOU wanted. Maybe you can start to find yourself if you just think about what you would most want to be doing RIGHT NOW. And maybe think about what gave you joy as a child. If you want to talk more about this, I do help people with this kind of thing on my other site: You’re not alone! Things are seriously TOUGH out there right now.

  11. The vibrant colours you have used suggest to me the amazing energy levels that flow in your life, no wonder you feel the “shifts” so strongly. Please take comfort in the fact(and it is a fact) that women in their 40’s become much more aware of their ability to survive whatever the universe may throw their way. I am heading for 50 with a serene smile. Yes “shit happens” but without it we wouldn’t smell the roses 😀 XXX

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